Time Alone
by iceprincesswitch
Summary: After they left, Bella felt as though she had no choice. This was the only way she could feel alive. Cutting may not have been the best choice, but it was the one she made. Please don't judge by the 1st few chapters. They were written over a year ago.
1. preface

**I don't obviously don't own the twilight series or any of the characters.**

It all started with one cut. That one cut to forget Edward. That one cut to forget that he left. The pain distracted me from the pain I was feeling inside. He left me to protect me, but by leaving he hurt me more than he ever could by staying. The pain from being turned into a vampire must feel like nothing compared to this. It tore me up inside and left me feeling dead. That one cut made me feel alive. It made me feel again.

My dad hadn't noticed that I had started wearing long sleeves more often than I used too, and Edward was not here to smell the blood. It's amazing how living in a cold wet climate helps hide the scars. I didn't want Edward to come back to see me like this, but I needed him to come back to make me whole again. The slight pain from a razor in my skin only temporarily relieved the pain from him not being here.

I felt dead and everyone knew it. What they didn't know was what I was doing to relieve it. I became dead to my friends and family, another lonely face in the halls. And then I met Jake. Jake helped me start to act normal and feel a bit better but it didn't stop my cutting. Jake helped me but he didn't replace the hole left by Edward. Then I decided to go cliff jumping, and Edward came back. Sure the Vulturi were involved and so was the fact that Edward was trying to kill himself, but the way I saw it was that Edward came back.

**Please review. Constructive critism is fine but no flames ,please.**


	2. Chapter one

**I don't own the Twilight series. Sorry my chapters are short but they will get longer.**

On the flight home from Italy Edward asked me why. When I asked what he was talking about he gestured to my arms. They were covered with a long sleeve shirt so I didn't know how he knew. He simply said "I can smell blood Bella and there's a lot of it dried on your arm. We're going to talk about this after you get some sleep."

I felt sick but I was too tired and happy he was back to worry about it too much. I hoped he would forget about it but there was little chance of that. I didn't want to talk to anyone about the cutting. It was private and I didn't think it was anyone's business. I really hoped he wouldn't tell his family about it.

After a couple of weeks he didn't bring it up and I thought he had forgotten about it. I hoped that he had forgotten about it. Unfortunately he did remember. After we got home from school he told me that we had to go to his house. Apparently he was making Carlisle talk to me about this.

Once we got there Alice was giving me looks of pity and Emmett was looking at me like I was dead. "God, I'm cutting myself not dying of cancer", I said dramatically. Carlisle came out of his office and told me to come in. "Bella, Edward wanted me to talk to you about your depression. He thinks maybe you should have counseling."

"I don't need counseling. Edward is back so I'm fine. What makes you think I'm depressed in the first place", I said. Carlisle just gestured to my arm. "I'm fine and I'm going home", I said as I left.


	3. Chapter two

**I don't own the twilight series or any of its characters. Enjoy!**

I was sitting on my bed reading a book after dinner when Edward came in. "Bella, you need to talk to someone. I think Carlisle would be better than a regular counselor. He won't tell any of us what you said and I won't read his mind when he's thinking about your sessions. I need you and this is hurting you so it's hurting me. Please, Bella talk to him."

"Edward, I really don't think this is as big of an issue as everyone's making it out to be. The cuts aren't deep and I'm not trying to kill myself. This is just something to make me feel alive. It helps distract me from the pain I'm feeling inside. I don't want to talk about this to other people. Actually I don't want to talk about this so can't you just leave it alone."

"Bella, this isn't an option you will talk to Carlisle or we will tell Charlie. I don't want to do that. I also think you should get rid of whatever you were using. I won't force you to do that but I think it would be a good idea. Your next session with Carlisle is tomorrow and I think you should actually use it to help you. But your cutting will stop.

"Fine Edward I will do what you want but I'm going to turn you in for your problem," when he gave me a confused look I said "your eating problem. You obviously have an eating disorder and I think the school counselor should know about it. Alice probably had something to do with this so I'll tell him about hers too." I enjoyed the look he sent me and began to get ready for bed.

--

The next morning I got ready for school and headed off. As soon as I got in I headed to the counselors office. When he asked me why I was here I said "I think my friends have eating disorders. My best friend never eats. I really have never seen her eat and her brother is the same way." When he pressed me further I said "Edward and Alice are their names. If you watch them you'll see that they don't eat. Sometimes though they eat a little bit so not as many people suspect." He sent me to class and I left, skipping to my locker.


	4. Chapter three

**I obviously don't own the Twilight series **

**I would like to thank redtwiheart12,Bella Cullens 17,** **and Emily for reviewing.**

Edward's POV

I never thought that Bella would actually turn me in for having and eating disorder. I really didn't expect to be called into the counselors with the school nurse and vice principle. The counselor started out by saying "Edward, would you mind telling me why you haven't been eating. Some of your friends seem to think that you have a problem. I had to call your parents and tell them about this. They are very concerned."

I replied "I generally eat very big breakfasts and dinners. I'm normally not very hungry by lunch. I'm sure my parents know this so I don't really understand why they'd be concerned."

They told me "We'll be watching how you eat. I we don't see you eating 3 rounded meals a day I'm afraid that we'll have to talk about putting you somewhere for people with eating disorders. You can go ahead back to class now." I left quickly cursing Bella the whole way to class.

Bella's POV

Not surprisingly Edward was very unhappy at the end of the day. Alice was even more upset. She said "Bella, why did you do this to me. Now this counselor is seriously worried about me. He's not taking Edward very seriously but girls are more prone to eating disorders than guys. Now I have a vice principle, counselor, and nurse watching me like a hawk."

I replied "If Edward hadn't made me agree to go to counseling with Carlisle than I would never had done this. You only have him to blame."


	5. Chapter four

**I'm sorry this is so late. I've been pretty busy. I will try to post the next chapter by tommorow night.**

From Bella's Diary

I feel kind of bad for turning Alice in. Edward deserved it for making me talk to Carlisle, but Alice really didn't do anything. I hope she can convince them that she doesn't have an eating disorder. I know that I'm burying my proplem but I'm much happier that way. I'm really mad at Edward for telling everyone about my "proplem." I love Edward but I wish that he didn't make me do this.

The session with Carlisle was worse than I thought it would be. He made me talk about the last time I "cut." I really didn't want to explain that it had been last night. When I told him he got that concerned look in his eye that made me want to puke. I really think what I do is my buisness and they should stay out of it. I'm not hurting any of them. I don't want to kill myself I just want to be able to feel again. Being without Edward made me numb. Cutting makes me feel alive.

Carlisle told Edward that I'm making progress. I don't really want to stop. I like the feel of a blade across my skin. Why should I stop.

P.S. Mike is driving me crazy.


	6. Chapter five

I don't know if anyone will read this because of the wait... If someone would like to take this over please let me know.

I don't own Twilight. All the characters belong to Stephanie Meyer

Bella's POV

I'm not addicted; I can stop anytime. I didn't need it last night; I wanted it. I'm not addicted. This is not a drug. This strange need of release can be turned off. I'm not addicted. I'm such a liar.

Edward will see tomorrow. He will smell the blood. Alice and Emmett will give me sad looks, like I'm dying. This is really bad. Why couldn't I just go without, just one night. The razor was there; it was so tempting. I guess I'm just going to have to deal with the consequences. Or maybe this is just Edward's consequence. It's all his fault! He left and I couldn't deal with it. This is my doing, not his. It's my blood that's running down my leg. Crap! I need a band aid.

I walk into my room ,and he's here. This is the one night I almost wish he hadn't come. He's looking at me with this sad look in his eyes. "We're going to my house tonight", he says.

"Why?" I ask.

"Alice needs to talk to you. She's almost as worried as I am, and maybe she'll get through to you. This has to stop", he says. What he doesn't know is that I tried to stop, that I couldn't stop.

"What if I refuse to go?" I say.

His only response is, "Charlie."

I know that he has won the war. I can't let Charlie find out. I put on my pajamas and go over to Edward. He carefully picks me up and takes me out my window. I put on my best I don't care face; it won't full anyone.

I don't get sick today ,or if I do i don't realize it. I'm already nauseous thinking about talking to Alice.


	7. Alice's Talk

**I know I haven't updated in forever...Please forgive me and review.**

Edward picked me up after I ate dinner. I love him but I hope that he we drop this soon. I doubt he will though, he's very driven. He was driving when he asked me a question that I hadn't thought about before. "Why exactly do you do it? I know you want to do it ,and I know you think it helps, but I can't understand how.

"I guess it's the fact that I can control it. I couldn't control that you left, and I can't control most of what happens around me, but I can control this. It also is a way to get back at something when I'm mad. Every cut is a stab to their heart, a punch to their face, and a awesome comeback that stings. When I'm sad it represents my pain. It's also a high.....I think that's why I can't stop. It's as addicting as any drug," I explained.

"I think you need to tell Carlisle exactly that. Maybe, it will help him help you, as cliched as that last phrase was," he said. By the time we had finished the conversation, we had arrived at the Cullen house. Alice was waiting right outside the door, putting her visions and hearing to practical use.

Alice's POV

I knew she wouldn't stop tonight, though I wouldn't tell Edward. I think my conversation with her, however, will help her see that she needs help. She was still lost and the fact that we had returned didn't make our leaving disappear. She needed to see that we weren't going to leave her again. She needed to understand that cutting herself did not really help. We may need to tell Charlie, if Carlisle thinks that she is cutting too deep or too much. She was not going to like us very much right now, but at the moment I didn't care. Even Emmett was hurt by her problem.

"Bella, please come up to my room with me," I said gently. She followed me as I moved at the slow pace of humans. Tripping only once, she entered my room and sat on the bed. "Bella, you know why I want you to talk to me. You know what you're doing isn't really helping. I think you know what you're doing is bad, and yet you don't stop. Bella you're hurting us! Every cut you make cuts each of us in turn. Every single scratch breaks Edward's heart one more time. You need to stop, before you make one too deep, before it gets worse. Please Bella stop, if not for you, then for us!" By the end of the speech I was as close to crying as any vampire can get. Bella is like a sister to me, and it hurts me that she cuts herself. "God, my sister-in-law-to-be is emo, that's just great," I thought to myself.


	8. Yeah Bella has issues

**BTW, I don't own twilight (big suprise) please review or i won't post again for a month..or maybe2 **

I stared at Alice and for the first time it occured to me that my "problem" wasn't only hurting me. She looked like someone had run over her puppy while she was watching. I know that I should stop but I'm not sure I can, and I don't want to admit it. I've heard stories about people who get put in mental hospitals for doing things like that and I don't want that to happen to me. Maybe it's dumb but that's just the way I think.

When Alice talked to me I realized that I needed help. I'm not dumb enough to think that it was going to be easy, and she was stupid if she thought that a razor would never break through my skin again. I will try to stop for her sake and mine but I will not make any promises.

After her talk Alice and I went downstairs. I hugged her and said good-bye. Edward took me home and drove off to ditch the car and get clean clothes. I decided to cut while he was gone so I turned on the shower and took my razor out of it's hiding place (the floss container, Charlie never flosses). I did the normal shower routine of washing my hair, washing the rest of me, and then cutting my wrist ( if everyone knew then their was no reason to put it in a less suspicious place). I only did four straight cuts not very long and just deep enough to bleed. I was in control, but I realized that I should have tried to go without. I'm habitual with my shower rituals and didn't really think about not doing it, pathetic.

Edward would know so I just covered them with a bandaid and prepared to be scolded. Like an petulant child, sigh.


	9. Carlisle and Bella

When Edward came back all hell broke loose. He started screaming at me! "Bella, what were you thinking? After Alice talked to you, I thought you would at least go a day without. I will tell Charlie, don't doubt it. You are going to get dressed in regular clothes and come to my house right now! I don't care if you're kicking and screaming. Alice and the rest of the family will be so hurt! Bella, you dissapoint me." By the end of the rant his voice was barely a whisper. I sat on my bed stunned; I had expected a lecture, not this. He was acting like a parent.

I dressed and prepared to go to the Cullens. I wasn't happy but I didn't have a choice; I had to talk to Carlisle or they would tell Charlie. Charlie could never fine out. He couldn't cope with my feelings; he was too much like me. I would end up in Jacksonville probably in a pyschiatric ward, which would be just great. I don't think my mom could deal with my problems either. I honestly felt pretty alone, though I knew I wasn't.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------At the Cullen House

Carlisle's notes

I wasn't suprised that she did it again. I know that Edward wants her to stop right away ,but I also knew that the chance of that happening was slim to none. Bella had a problem and it couldn't be fixed overnight. She barely talked to me. When I asked her to show me she looked ashamed. I felt bad for her. Everyone needs a way to cope and it wasn't suprising that she had chosen an unhealthy one with the shock of Edward leaving. The cuts didn't look extremely deep, more like the razor had just skimmed the surface of her skin. At least she wasn't trying to kill herself.

I talked to her about why she can't stop. She said that the habit was addictive. It left her with a high that she couldn't go without. She had forgotten other, more healthy, ways of coping with even the simplest of problems. I recommended that Edward take away her razor, and talked with her about a few different ways of coping. I also ordered an antidepressent for the withdrawal time. I talked to Edward and he memorized the ways to help her that I recommended. He really needs to stop being angry with her. In an indirect way this was his fault, as much as it pains me to admit it.


	10. Bella Tries

**Please Review….if you're reading this and haven't reviewed you are being very rude. Okay, I'm done ranting. Sorry about the lapse in updates.**

When Carlisle talked to me, it was one of the times when I wished that I couldn't read minds. He made me feel ashamed about something that I knew was my fault. I know that I need to be patient with Bella ,but it hurts me so much when I can't make her quit on the spot. I know it's a very real problem that will take time to fix, but I can't stand it. She hurt's me so bad and I don't think she notices. I will try to do what Carlisle asked of me. I must try for Bella's sake.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Bella's POV

After Carlisle and I talked Edward took me home. I knew that Carlisle had talked with him and was curious about what he had said. When I asked him he just said "It's nothing that really deals with you; so don't worry about it." That statement concerned me more because it led me to believe that it did concern me. Thankfully, Edward couldn't read me mind so he wasn't concerned. Before I excuse myself to be human Edward told me, "I love you Bella. I know you probably can't not do it but can you keep it to one or two, that aren't very deep."

I was glad that he understood that I couldn't stop cold turkey, and responded that I would try. When I showered I did keep my word and was, sadly, proud of myself for it. When I got back he appeared a mix of happy that I did the minimum but sad that I did it at all. I was trying and it made me glad that he respected my effort. I was working on my "problem" and hopefully I could someday quit. I didn't like the attention it was bringing to me.

I faded off to sleep listening to my lullaby and hoping that Edward would never leave me again. I didn't know if I could survive if he did.


	11. Chapter 11

**AN**: **My friend Katie (who is amazing, despite her slight Richard Nixon obsession) edited this chapter for me. Thank you, Katie!** - She made me add this comma.

Chapter 11

I was learning quite quickly what it means to be constantly watched. Edward had always kept an eye on me because I was so accident prone, but now I was being left alone even less than before. He was constantly worried about me and I was getting annoyed. Even Carlisle had told him that it would take time. Carlisle actually understood better than I thought he would.

Edward made me talk to him everyday. He believed that every single thought that was the slightest bit sad needed to be analyzed. He was acting very strange. The other Cullens were beginning to back off and give me less attention, which I was glad about. They understood that I was slowly healing, that eventually I would be able to stop completely, and that I needed time.

I wish Edward would stop worrying so much. It makes me uncomfortable seeing me angel upset. I hate it and that was the biggest motivator in my pathetic fight against my habit. He knew that and used it against me. I was talking to Carlisle for almost an hour at a time, fighting to get better, so everything could get back to normal.

Carlisle knew a surprising amount about mental health and how to improve it. I was beginning to get over my embarrassment of being the center of attention, during our sessions. I was trying but I just couldn't stop completely, no matter how hard I tried. I went home every night and told myself that last night was the last time….but it didn't work. The longest I was able to stop for was three nights. It was pathetically human and weak.


	12. Epilogue

**My awesome friend Katie basically wrote this chapter. I helped (a lot), but she really designed it. I ,actually, had no idea how to make Bella happy. Love ya, Katie!**

Epilogue

"Momma, pay attention," my beautiful daughter said.

"Sorry baby , I was thinking," I replied.

"What about?"

"Maybe I'll tell you when you're older. Why don't you go play with Uncle Emmett for a while?"

"Okay, Momma," she said as she skipped away to find Emmett.

As I watched my daughter walk away, I returned to my previous train of thought. So many things had changed since the days when I had to cut myself to feel. It seemed like a thousand years ago, not a few months ago. I turned toward the window and saw Renesmee trying to bite Emmett, while he fled from her as if she were the Volturi themselves.

"Bella, what are you thinking about? Jasper thought you seemed a little upset, love," my wonderful husband asked as he walked into the room and wrapped his arms around me. I didn't want to worry him with my thoughts because I knew he preferred not to think about that part of my life, as well. However, I knew he wouldn't allow me to remain silent for long.

"Edward, sometimes it would be easier if you could just read my mind like the rest of the population," he chuckled at my response, "If you must know, I was thinking about the months after your return." I saw his amber eyes darken at the thought of the time that had hurt us both. His arms tightened around me in what I knew to be a silent show of support.

"Those days are over, love. We needn't dwell on them," he responded.

"I know. These days are much happier, but the struggle helped us become the couple we are. And for that, I am glad," I threw back at him, "Do you remember your eating disorder? You have to admit, that was funny." Edward playfully growled at me.

"I have to admit no such thing!" he jokingly replied, "Alice was actually quite upset over the attention she gained from that little stunt. She had to eat for a month before they finally got off her back." He shuddered.

I heard a loud crash and two voices.

"He did it!"

"She did it!" Emmett and Renesmee called out. Edward and I shared a laugh, before he held out his arm.

"Shall we love?" he asked forever the gentleman.

I wondered if life could be better as we went to clean up whatever mess Emmett had made. Again.

**Please review with any thoughts, questions, or comments on this chapter or the whole story! **


End file.
